Lilan Kane

Apr 5, 202014 min read

EPISODE 3 & 4: BOSS LADY EDITION

Updated: Apr 22, 2020

Being a Woman in the Music Industry Aired on Sunday April 5, 2020 (Part 1) and Sunday April 12, 2020 (Part 2)

CHECK OUT THIS BRAND NEW SPOTIFY PLAYLIST!

----> BAY AREA LADIES <----

Boss Lady - Part 1

Boss Lady - Part 2

CLICK HERE FOR THE DROPBOX FOLDER LINK

SMURFETTE PRINCIPLE The Smurfette Principle was coined by Katha Pollitt in 1991. It is the practice in media, such as film and television, to include only one woman in an otherwise entirely male ensemble. It establishes a male-dominated narrative, where the woman is the exception and exists only in reference to the men. A group of male buddies will be accented by a lone female, stereotypically defined... The message is clear. Boys are the norm, girls the variation; boys are central, girls peripheral; boys are individuals, girls types. Boys define the group, its story and its code of values. Girls exist only in relation to boys. BEING A WOMAN "I want to support young girls who are in their twenties now and tell them, 'You're not just imagining things.' It's tough. Everything that a guy says once, you have to say five times." —Bjork in Pitchfork

The only way for you to succeed in this world is by being who you are. You are not a man and therefore cannot think, act or behave like one and neither should you have any intention of doing so. Own your femininity and get things done in true woman fashion.
Hard work, persistence, intelligence, resilience, ambition, education, these are assets that have stood the test of time and they are a proven formula to realizing even your wildest dreams.
Women make exceptional leaders. We are not the majority, not because we cannot do it but because we were not given access to those roles – but all that is changing as more and more women are filling executive positions in big corporations.
There is no trade off between having a family and having a career. You can do both.
Being a woman is extremely powerful and can be extremely challenging.


“I am vulnerable, and in life there is no real safety except self-belief. I’m not the owner of anything. Everything I have is a gift from God. And even the shitty fucked up things that happen to me are also gifts to teach me lessons and make me stronger.” 
- Madonna

SORRY, NOT SORRY

Eliminate the word “sorry” from your emails, texts, and verbal communication unless it is warranted.
Stop apologizing unless it is warranted.
Be accountable, if you fuck up, own it, apologize, and move on.

BOUNDARIES Do not be afraid to have boundaries! Having boundaries does not make you a bitch. It does not make you unreasonable. It does not make you weak. Boundaries protect you and provide clarity.

By definition, a boundary is anything that marks a limit. Psychological limits define personal dignity. When we say, “You just crossed a line,” we are speaking about a psychological limit that marks the distinction between behavior that does not cause emotional harm and behavior that causes emotional harm.
Trust yourself. By not speaking up for what you need or want, you will likely end up with something you don’t like or cannot use. A producer might steer you in a musical direction you don’t want to go, a photographer might want you to pose in ways you don’t want to (not sexual, just not in line with your vision). If it’s speaking to you and you like what they are suggesting, then try it. If you automatically know it is not what you want, say so.
Being a people pleaser will ultimately leave you feeling empty, overwhelmed, and spread too thin. You will likely end up meeting everyone’s needs but your own. Then you may get resentful at others for expecting so much of you, because you did not set boundaries.
If you’re so nice all the time no matter what, people will be less likely to take you seriously and less likely to trust you.
Saying “no” is ok. Try it! Ask yourself, do I really want to do this? Do I really need to do this?
Practice giving yourself time to make decisions instead of feeling like you have to answer people on the spot. “This sounds like a great opportunity. Let me think about it and get back to you tomorrow.”
Shift your focus from the outside world, to the inside world. What do you need and want, and how can you let that start to dictate the commitments you make. When you implement boundaries, you will learn that you don’t need approval of others and your own approval is enough.
A deal is a deal. If you have contracted a gig -- get that shit in writing! Either via text or email. If you are dealing with a man who is trying to mess around with your money, think of Tony Soprano. We had a deal, my friend. We did our part, it is time for you to do yours or we are going to have some problems. I’ve never had to do this, but if anything really escalated I imagine I would go get my entire band and walk back into the office with my army in tow and say “Are we going to have a problem here?” lol
Networking & Boundaries: when you meet someone who wants to connect with you and you want to talk business and you get the vibe that they may want more: Do not meet for drinks. Meet for coffee - it’s easy to leave and it’s not suggestive. Set a professional tone - have your agenda/meeting points on paper. Be gracious and direct the conversation in a professional and direct manner. Be clear that you are interested only in a working relationship. If that doesn’t work, move on. Chances are, this is the type of person who you won’t want to work with anyway in the long run.

KNOW YOUR SHIT

More will be expected of you simply because you are a woman, so know your shit.
Be assertive and take yourself seriously, don’t play dumb -- people already expect that.
Effectively communicate with the band
Learn some theory, business, and bandleading skills, or any other area where you feel insecure, don’t just sit there, help yourself!
Be confident with your decisions - even if you aren’t
Know your keys and how you want the song performed, if you don’t know how to do this, ASK FOR HELP!! (I send audio messages/call my musician friends all the time -- what is this kind of beat called? What is this comping style called?)

BOSSY VS. BITCHY There is nothing wrong with stating what you need to do your job effectively. As long as you are kind and direct, you are approaching things fairly. Ahhhh but sometimes that’s not enough, right? Sometimes, that does not work. Sometimes you have to be more assertive and demanding. So be it! If you know who you are at your core, and you know you’re not a bitch, then it doesn’t matter. You can’t please everybody and sometimes you need to get the job done. That being said, there is never a need for name-calling, derogatory remarks, or humiliation. We all handle stressful situations differently. If you can walk away okay with yourself, then that might have to be enough. If you act in a way that you wish you hadn’t, you can always try to talk to that person later and explain where you were coming from. EFFECTIVE LEADERSHIP

Lead by example - you can set the tone of the room
Command respect by being respectful
Treat everyone as equals
Be direct and communicative, but not over-communicative (can lead to confusion)
Think with your head and not your heart, but put your heart into everything you do
Information is powerful. Take what you know, what people show you, and use that to make informed decisions.
Stop and pause. Stay calm on gigs and deal with problems at another time (unless it’s time-sensitive)

Ex. If someone is late, they are late, there is nothing you can do to make them get there faster. Do not call them a million times, do not yell at them when they arrive, do not stress. Flip your mindset into performance mode and stay positive. You have to maintain a good vibe - for yourself, the music, the venue, and the other band members. That is your number one job. Don’t make passive aggressive or rude remarks. LET IT GO at the time. Address it later when you are calm and collected, the other person will likely be much more receptive as well.

When dealing with an uncomfortable conversation - be honest, be fair, be direct, be kind. Talk about the issue at hand, not your feelings about it. Try my method of a compliment, address the issue and share your experience if applicable, and what is expected moving forward, then have them repeat back to you the expectation. If someone goes on a tangent or beats around the bush about an issue, simply repeat what you are addressing.
Pick your battles - learn to let stuff go, it’s simply not worth it. Having wisdom to know when to let go and when to keep pushing is a skill worth mastering.
Delegate and give people responsibilities so everyone feels that they are contributing.
Firing someone or taking a break: “You have left me no other choice, I cannot hire you right now until…”
Keep your word. Pay what you say you are going to pay, give someone a second chance if they mess up, but not a third, fourth, tenth chance.
I often think - “What would my male counterpoints do?” it helps me feel less apologetic and more practical

DEALING WITH DISRESPECT WITH YOUR MALE PEERS

Assess the situation - disrespectful behavior is aggravating, but not always intentional
Take a moment to breathe, is it worth addressing?
Ask for clarification - “Why did you think that was ok?” or “Oh, why do you think that?”

** “Why do you assume that I don’t know how to wrap a cable?”

Speak up for yourself, but also try not to take everything so personally, pick your battles
Having wisdom to know when to let go and when to keep pushing is a skill worth mastering.
Is it really worth my time, to sit and explain to this person why what they did was idiotic? If they did it in the first place, then they might just be an idiot. And why would I waste my precious time and energy explaining that to them, when they will probably still be an idiot when the talk is over?
Sometimes saying nothing is more powerful than saying anything at all, being non-reactive eliminates the power play.

"The most dangerous animal in the world is a silent smiling woman." - Anonymous

If it is ongoing and you don’t have the option (no HR in music) - talk to the bandleader, find an ally in the group who you trust and let them know what has been going on so they can have your back. Address the person who is disrespecting you and see if anything changes.

Other more comical remedies:

Kill them with kindness “It seems like you’ve had a bad day, do you wanna talk about anything?”
Have some comebacks in your back pocket
How would you talk to a 5 year old child?
“Why don’t you go wash your mouth out and try that again?”
“You really are much more attractive with your mouth shut.”
Southern Charm - the classic “Bless your heart” or “I pray for you” a more modernized threat “Honey, I would hate to have to share that on facebook”
When asking for clarification - just “Really?”
Good old-fashioned sarcasm

DEALING WITH A DISRESPECTFUL BOSS

If you are in a band where you are not the bandleader and you are experiencing this disrespect from the person who is paying you, well that gets a little tricky.
First, if this is anything involving physical or sexual misconduct, it should be reported to the police. I will address more common forms of this that I’ve experienced in the workplace.
I would say write down the incident(s) so you can really get clear on the facts. Try to separate your feelings (obviously you’re in this situation because something made you feel uncomfortable). Was the behavior inappropriate? Unprofessional? Degrading? Irrational?
Write an email. You will want a paper trail for this. Reason being, anyone could say a verbal conversation never happened. Also maybe mention it to an ally in the band.
State what happened with as many facts as possible and as little story as possible:

“Thank you for the work, so far it has been a great experience. I do need to address something that happened recently. At the last gig I did for you, you commented that you liked how my legs looked. I understand you may have meant that as flattery, but it made me uncomfortable. Moving forward, I would appreciate it if comments that are made don’t involve my appearance.” DEALING WITH DISRESPECTFUL GUESTS OR AUDIENCE MEMBERS Ohhhh boy. This is a tough one because you definitely have to ride the fine line of protecting your on stage persona, but also your boundaries and self-respect. I have often leaned on my microphone or my bandmates to help me in these times. It is usually enough to diffuse the situation. Examples: A heckler - I used the mic as my weapon and flipped the script. I called him out on the microphone and asked for his name. I can’t remember his name, but let’s say it was “Chad,” cuz that sounds pretty douchey. I announced to the crowd “It seems like Chad needs some attention everybody. I don’t think he likes that everyone is clapping for us and not him. Can you all put your hands together for Chad!” Slow applause that died quickly. He felt pretty embarrassed and that was the end of that! Drunk uncle who was paying for the wedding - He wanted to play a song with a few of his friends cuz they were in a band together in high school (typical). It was not prearranged so I needed to check with the band to see if they were ok with these guys using their gear. Band was on a break so I went to check with them. I came back and the uncle had the guitar on him messing with the tuning and strings. I politely told him he needed to take it off and wait for the band members to return to the stage. He then started to get belligerent with me and blatantly ignoring me. I had to keep my cool because I was working for another band that wasn’t my own and I knew I needed to maintain my composure so I was representing the company in a professional manner. But honestly I was starting to feel really unsure as to how to handle this. I went in to get the band and told them I needed their help and that things were getting a little hectic. I go back and the band has not followed me. I go back in like “Guys, I need you in here NOW!” They came in and I announced that the band was starting again. The uncle refused to take the guitar off. Then asked the band to play the songs he wanted and they simply refused. The Uncle got upset and then the bride came over and I tried to pull her aside as a confidant and tell her what was happening. The uncle loudly declared that he was the one even paying for the band. She ended up having my back as well and so did my band and things sort of dissipated thanks god.

“A flower does not think of competing with the flower next to it. It just blooms.”

Stop competing with each other!!
Reach out to other women on the scene. Lift each other up, support each other, share each other’s music and achievements, hold each other accountable. Build alliances.
It’s not too late for new friends. You do not need to become BFF’s but you will definitely come across people who will be worth your attention and they will have so much to teach you
If you experience disrespect from a fellow woman, be compassionate, pray for them, let it go, kill them with kindness and be the bigger person. Remember, you don’t have to be friends with everybody. If you have to continue working with them, you may want to talk with them “hey look, did I do something? Maybe you just don’t like me. I get it, we don’t have to be besties, but we do have to work together, so can we try to be respectful and work as a team?”
You will come to find the importance of sticking together as women to open doors and break down walls. We are not opposition but each other’s support structure.
Hire women. Don’t just hire women because they’re women, hire whoever is the best fit the vision you have. But make a point of seeking out women you can hire for different things you need.

SAFETY

When leaving a late night gig, have a bandmate or bouncer walk you to your car. If having a bouncer walk you to your car, ask his name. Let your bandmates and/or club contact know he is walking with you so there is accountability.
Be aware of your surroundings.
Stay off your phone, look around, take notice of who is around, cross the street or walk off the sidewalk if necessary.
Walk with your keys in your hand between your fingers.
Get some mace.
Lock your doors as soon as you are in your car and leave. Don’t sit there on your phone checking your instagram.
If you are going to a studio session with someone you have never met, bring someone with you. Text a friend where you are going and a screenshot of the person’s IG handle.
If someone does something to you that is physically or sexually harmful, report it.
Women In Distress (24 Hour Crisis Hotline) - (954) 761-1133

https://www.womenindistress.org/we-can-help/24-hour-crisis-hotline/ PERSONAL INVOLVEMENT ON THE SCENE

Be careful who you get involved with and make SURE you are on the same page
Talk about how this could impact your working relationship and what it would look like if it doesn’t work out. Take time to get to know them and be careful how much personal information you share early on
While in the honeymoon phase, do not book every single engagement with this person, because if it doesn’t work out, you will have to see them A LOT!!!
Musicians are musicians. Touring musicians are musicians. They probably have a girlfriend in every city and a wife at home.
Can be really beautiful, be very clear with yourself if this someone who I want to be with, if you’re not that committed then tread lightly.
Be prepared that things could be fine, things could be hard, things could go radically awry -- like any relationship -- but this could affect your reputation in a different way than if this person was not in your circle. Think of it like being involved with someone at the office.

Lilan Kane Presents

EPISODE 3 & 4: BOSS LADY EDITION

CHECK OUT THIS BRAND NEW SPOTIFY PLAYLIST!

----> BAY AREA LADIES <----

CLICK HERE FOR THE DROPBOX FOLDER LINK

“A flower does not think of competing with the flower next to it. It just blooms.”

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